dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
