'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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