i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
