hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
