So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
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this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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