My first STD was from a foam party
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
