I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i would one night stand the shit outta him
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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