Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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