FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
