i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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