3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
