sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
