what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
