No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
