He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
