Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
