I look better un-naked...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
