my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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