I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
