gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
