I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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