Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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