I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
