I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
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