Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
