i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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