I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
