I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
