i think my mom watched the whole time
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
