Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We just shotgunned beers for America
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
