So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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