is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
