Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Ketchup is God's man juice
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
