my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
