My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
