How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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