she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
