i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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