it wasn't lemon gatorade
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
