Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
