There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
