remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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