i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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