If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
