I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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