Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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