You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
