1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
