census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
