you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Im part way to drunk.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
