I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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