Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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