not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
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So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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