I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
