can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
