Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Pants are for mortals
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