I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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