New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Farmville is her only friend.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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