Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
