Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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